There’s probably no horror subgenre more adaptable than the zombie movie. You can dress it up as social commentary, wallow in nihilistic misery, or sink straight into cheap splatter trash without changing the basic ingredients. Zombies work everywhere.
Which is why, somewhere down the line, the zombie film became a way for hack directors to try and prove themselves (or make enough to fill up the cocaine bucket). And by the late 80s there were so many trashy zombie films that it all started to feel inevitable and one of those things that “everyone got to have a go at”. Not unlike those girls that were always rumoured to exist when you were growing up but never seemed to actually materialise.
That brings us to Zombie Nosh, a proudly ramshackle undead romp directed by and starring Bill Hinzman – yes, the cemetery ghoul from Night of the Living Dead himself – who clearly decided that whilst George Romero had long since created and define the modern genre, he at least deserved to rummage around in it. And by “it” I of course mean under the tops of attractive young actresses.
Yes, this is that film where Hinzman plays his iconic cemetery ghoul role again, only much older and far randier. Now, I’m not going to waste your time by saying how great and important Night of the Living Dead is, everyone knows that, but it is worth keeping that in mind when I talk about how this film takes a big steaming shit all over Romero’s legacy.
The plot, such as it is, sees a group of teens head to the woods on Halloween to fool around (cause nothing’s hotter than a crusty gusset filled with russet leaves). At the same time, a long-sealed coffin is unearthed and its occupant (Hinzman’s ghoul) rises into the world once more. He proceeds to eats the man that uncovered him and turns him into the first of many shambling corpses.
Thus begins the slow roll of undead chaos that defines Zombie Nosh in the purest sense. From that moment on, the movie feels like the set list of a one hit wonder. It keeps setting up situations with poor unsuspecting saps (usually involving knobbing), only for them to be quickly and brutally killed off. Seriously, Hinzman’s ghoul has a knack for being summoned whenever someone gets their tits out.
Most of the original group of teens don’t last long, their arc concluding about a third of the way through the film in a scene set in a farmhouse that’s a straight ripoff of the final act of NoTLD. Only without the craft, tension, or tragic poetry. No, instead what we have is pure comedy gold as these inexperienced actors try to match up with the iconic original and fall far short. I particularly like the guy attacking a zombie as its arm breaks through a window barrier, and he’s going at it with a hammer but the sound effects make it sound more like he’s James Spader spanking Maggie Gyllenhaal in Secretary.
The couple who do survive out of the original group, only do so to serve as a narrative throughline to the next conga line of victims. The zombies spread into town, attacking families and partygoers alike, and more innocents are chewed, disemboweled, shot in the head, or just generally horrified into screaming.
There’s some gnarly deaths too. Like the dofus of a police officer called to investigate the farmhouse, only to get surrounded by these slow moving motherfuckers when he’s sat in his car and doing absolutely nothing to stop them. We don’t see him die but we do see what’s left of it – some pulpy mass of flesh and viscera and it’s metal as hell. Another cool one is when Hinzman penetrates a female party goer from behind (no, not like that!), sticking his hand through her bare chest. Anything to cop a feel, eh?
As mentioned, the movie sort of meanders its way to the finish line. And then they have the balls to redo the ending of Night, one of the most legendary film endings of all time. An ending that really underscored that film’s themes of racism and inequality, in such an utterly nihilistic way that suggested we as a species are such giant bastards that not even a zombie apocalypse will change us. What themes does this film even have to make that homage worth it? That brain-dead teenagers are indistinguishable from the undead?
Shit ending and all the ways this film’s existence tarnishes George’s legacy aside, the beauty of Zombie Nosh is that it makes almost no attempt to be art. The zombies are your classic shamblers with minimal makeup, who inconsistently walk somewhere between having shit themselves and overly familiar relative making their way over to you at a family gathering. The gore is pleasantly squishy, and though we’re light on brutal death scenes, the film doesn’t shy away from the aftermath.
And though I did give it a hard time, I do sort of like that it tries to expand on Night of the Living Dead. The very final moments of the film sees Hinzman’s ghoul rise from the ashes of a barn following the hillbillies slaughter of the undead. He disposes of a cop (who looks just like Will Riker) and stares at the screen to show that nothing is stopping him. And if you watch this as a side story to Night, then you can imagine this bad dude is how the apocalypse spreads.
Hinzman’s zombie is portrayed as some special zombie, though it’s not actually stated why. He’s found buried in a coffin underneath a tree stump that’s sealed with a plaque that contains a Bible-like inscription. This suggests something occult. But beyond that it’s never stated why he seems to be stronger, faster, and more aggressive than the others, or why he’s so uniquely talented at undressing women.
I suppose this tracks with Night – where Hinzman’s cemetery ghoul is way more aggressive than any other ghoul in that film. Mind you, there’s nothing to suggest that he isn’t just some tramp with a dislike for those yuppies. It kinda freaked me out for a long time, as the cemetery ghoul looked just like this local icon from my hometown called Dave the Rave, who’d walk around the city centre in his business suit and chase people with scissors if they asked him for the time.
And Hinzman only got more intimidating with age. He’s everything he was in Night of the Living Dead, only now he looks like Albert Steptoe.
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